I was asked to write about a moment that was memorable to me, as a nurse taking care of COVID ICU patients, during the thick of this horrible pandemic in NYC. I invite you to share it, as I believe it can help raise awareness. Other stories from amazing healthcare workers and fellow colleagues of mine, who were also in the frontlines can be found here.
This is my story
We had a patient in the ICU who was with us from the very beginning of COVID. He was very sweet and came to us alert, walking, talking and able to do most things for himself. I got to know him and learned that he was an immigrant who worked really hard to support his family back in his home country. All he cared about was being able to provide for them and ensuring a successful future for his daughter.
This was the beginning. Before the crisis travel nurses arrived, before we knew what COVID was and was capable of. Our unit had just become the designated COVID ward, and I think back at how naive we were to this pandemic. We really didn’t know what was to come, how fast patients could decompensate, and how many lives this disease would take each shift. Eventually, like most of our patients, he was later intubated and placed on heavy vasopressors for weeks on end.
We saw him deteriorate, we knew he wasn’t doing well, we knew he wasn’t going to make it, but we continued to fight as hard as we could for him. His heart eventually stopped. Despite knowing our efforts were futile, I didn’t give up. At this point, we were losing at least 3 patients a night and I wasn’t going to let him become another number. Another body bag.
“The patient loss may have dropped in the city’s hospitals, but the patient load in my heart is still at peak”
I remember feeling extremely desperate and hopeless during this particular code, knowing I just couldn’t handle another death. I could tell everyone around me felt the same way; we were in so much pain. When time of death was called, it was a complete punch to the gut. I immediately thought about his family, then my family, and how much all I wanted to do was go home and hug them, but I couldn’t. Instead I was here, NOT saving lives. I was so upset that all I could do was slam the crash cart before tears started falling down my eyes. I felt so defeated.
I think about him a lot. And his family. About how they didn’t get to say goodbye. How we didn’t know or could imagine how sick he would get, how he wasn’t expecting to not ever go back home. I think about how unfair it all was and how emotionally unprepared we were for it. I think about the damage, how much damage this disease did to our patients, their family members, us as providers, and our loved ones who didn’t know how to comfort us.
I still have nightmares about it all.
New York City, I know “things are getting better,” but it’s all still very real for a lot of us. To us, it’s not over. It’s still terrifying. The patient loss may have dropped in our city’s hospitals, but the patient load in my heart is still at peak.
– Natalie, RN
Learn more about me here.
Add me on LIKEtoKNOW.it : @taliegalvez at https://www.liketoknowit.com/
Natalie is a natural caregiver. Beautiful and bright. You are truelly missed in BHC ICU.